Attachment Theory Explained: A Complete Guide
Have you ever wondered why some people come off as clingy or overbearing in relationships, while others seem distant and cold?
Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself, while your relationship seemed to be going perfectly fine, one day your partner became detached before abruptly ending it.
The way we build relationships, whether romantic or friendly, all stems back to our childhood and the emotional bond we first had with our primary caregiver. Unfortunately, if our attachment was “insecure”, these problems often continue well into our adult life until we decide to put an end to them.
However, awareness and inner-work must take place for this to happen.
Read on to understand what exactly attachment theory is, and what you can do to fix it.
What Is Attachment Theory?
British Psychologist John Bowlby became interested in the concept of attachment when he noticed that while some children experienced separation anxiety from their parents, others did not.
After conducting his research, Bowlby concluded that the very earliest bonds children form with caregivers have a lasting, profound impact on the way we view and maintain relationships for the rest of our lives.
The main idea is that when a child has a bond with a caregiver that is loving, consistent, and predictable, the child feels safe to explore the world around them, knowing they always have an anchor to come back to (secure attachment style). However, in situations where the caregiver is abusive, neglectful, or passive, the child’s sense of security is damaged, causing deep-rooted mistrust and anxiety (insecure attachment style).
The quality of an attachment between an infant and their caregiver is crucial for solid emotional and social development, as it sets the groundwork for how we react emotionally to those closest to us, as well as our interactions and behaviors towards them.
The four types of attachment styles are: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
The Four Attachment Styles:
Secure Attachment
The Root of Secure Attachment
When the bond between a child and caregiver is stable, trustworthy, and predictable, children grow into adults with a secure attachment style.
Children with secure attachment styles are confident in their bond with their caregiver, as they feel secure knowing they always have this relationship to depend on.
Babies with secure attachments tend to play and explore freely with their caregiver as their anchor. As these babies get older they turn into children that, while sad their caregiver is away, express great joy when they return. If frightened, these children don’t hesitate to run to their caregiver for comfort.
In addition, children with secure attachment are often less disruptive, more empathetic and more mature than others with insecure attachment styles.
Secure Attachment Style In Adulthood
An adult with a secure attachment type tends to invest in long-term, trustworthy relationships, as they have had positive role models to take after.
In addition, secure adults have a higher self-perception, clearer communication, and seek out support from friends and family when in distress.
In a relationship, a securely attached partner is emotionally available, able to share feelings and can empathize with their partner's feelings. These make the best partners, as they are often warm, caring, compassionate, and trusting of others.
2. Anxious Attachment
The Root of Anxious Attachment Style
Created by a deep-rooted fear of abandonment, an anxious attachment style forms when a child’s caregiver is unpredictable.
Oftentimes, caregivers will display love and affection one minute, while turning cold and aloof the next. This becomes incredibly stressful for children as they attempt to predict how a caregiver's behavior will be in the future.
This inconsistency causes children to become confused about the nature of their relationship, as mixed signals tend to flare up often. This confusion leads to anxiety about their relationship, causing the child to become clingy and in some cases, disruptive or “whiny”.
Anxious Attachment Style in Adulthood
An adult with an anxious attachment style may think quite highly of others, yet suffer from a low self-image.
While feeling unsure and unconfident in themselves, these adults tend to be aware of others' needs, often prioritizing them before their own.
Due to the strong emotional fear of abandonment, partners with anxious attachment styles may come across as overbearing, jealous, and need constant reassurance. Often marked by constant doubt and worry, a partner with this attachment style may seem as though they’re “overly attached” and require consistent validation, as they often need the affection of their partner to calm their fears.
3. Avoidant Attachment Style
The Root of Avoidant Attachment Style
This type of insecure attachment is rooted in the fear of intimacy.
Children that experienced a parental figure that was either neglectful or unresponsive to their needs may have developed the mindset of never relying on anyone, thus avoiding any type of relationship or closeness with others.
All babies and children have a deep desire to bond with their caregivers. However, they quickly learn to suppress their needs or outer emotions to keep the peace. Children with avoidant attachment styles often don’t express any needs whatsoever, a problem leading well into adulthood.
Avoidant Attachment Style in Adulthood
Partners with avoidant attachment styles struggle greatly in relationships. That is, if they even choose to enter one. Oftentimes adults with avoidant attachment styles avoid any level of intimacy, as it may feel suffocating and restricting to them.
A strong sense of personal freedom is particularly important to adults with this particular attachment style, as they learned at a very young age they can only rely on themself. Due to this extreme, they may accuse their partners of being “overly attached” or “clingy”.
Adults with avoidant attachment styles may appear uncomfortable with physical touch, have difficulty expressing emotion, refuse help or support from others, and feel as though closeness with a partner will always end in emotional pain.
4. Disorganized Attachment Style
The Root of Disorganized Attachment Style
Also known as the fearful-avoidant attachment style, this type of attachment style has a blend of attributes.
Caregivers that were once a source of love, somehow become a source of fear.
This may be due to abuse or childhood trauma - either done to the child or witnessed by the child. However this is done, the child no longer trusts the caregiver, causing extreme fear and stress that they may not have their needs met.
Disorganized attachment style combines the fear of avoidant attachment, with the desire for intimacy in anxious attachment. Often children that develop this type of attachment style want to be close to others and simultaneously avoid it at all costs.
Disorganized Attachment Style In Adulthood
It’s incredibly difficult for adults with disorganized attachment styles to feel content in a relationship. On one hand, these partners long to be intimate, while also paralyzing themselves in fear of letting anyone in.
While adults with disorganized attachment styles don’t specifically reject emotional intimacy, they fear it. These partners often are waiting for the pain, disappointment, and rejection to come to them, feeling that it is inevitable.
Those with disorganized attachment styles often try and distance themselves from a relationship if they feel hurt or betrayed, rather than communicating with their partner.
In addition, due to their unwavering certainty of heartbreak, these partners may begin to self-sabotage as a way to complete their self-fulfilling prophecy.
Can I Change My Attachment Style?
If after reading through the different attachment styles and you said, “that’s me” more than once, chances are you may struggle with an insecure attachment style.
Despite our childhood’s playing a prominent role in our emotional security as adults, there are ways to heal and fix our attachment styles. However, it does require intentional inner self-work.
One of the biggest and easiest ways to begin repairing your attachment style is to be conscious and aware of how you’re treating your relationships. Understand where the behavior is coming from and redirect your actions in a more secure, stable way.
In addition, seeing either a counselor or psychotherapist can help immensely as you will learn all the tips and tricks to slowly work your way out of negative thinking patterns.
By trusting a therapist you create a stable, secure bond - something your inner child is longing for.
So, whether you fear intimacy, or you overwhelmingly long for it, every day is a chance to wipe the slate clean. While you can’t change your past, you can change your future relationships moving forward.
Consult with a Therapist in Texas
Our counselors are here to help. If you’re in Texas and are interested in therapy, contact us to schedule a complimentary consultation today. We would be honored to walk alongside you on your healing journey.